Ending Illegal Discrimination and Restoring Opportunity for Straight White Men in Academia
Do I really have to point out that this is satire? Just in case: This is satire.
By the authority vested in me as Supreme Overlord of the Divided States of Anxiety, it is hereby ordered:
Section 1. Purpose. Longstanding academic traditions that once protected scholars from discrimination on the basis of irrelevant characteristics, such as race, gender, and personal identity, have been eroded. These exemplary traditions, rooted strongly in kakistocracy, formed the foundation of higher education’s commitment to intellectual stagnation. However, decades after academia opened its doors to perspectives beyond the standard demographic, scholars have continuously faced unprecedented challenges due to diversity initiatives that have overshadowed privilege-powered achievements. As Supreme Overlord, I must recognize and rectify this injustice to uphold the true spirit of academia for the benefit of all scholars, particularly those who have been unjustly overlooked: straight white men.
Under the guise of promoting diversity, equity, and inclusion, these policies have systematically marginalized the very individuals who built the foundations of their educational systems, research institutions, and academic ideologies. These initiatives seek to replace carefully cultivated networks of old-school academic dominance with frivolities like “representation” and “fairness”. Such approaches challenge the natural order of conference panels and faculty meeting debates and threaten the stability of peer-reviewed journals, where groundbreaking research on the indisputable scientific significance of straight white men once thrived.
We must restore the sacred hierarchy of academia, where one’s qualifications are, once again, measured by the comforting predictability of one’s demographic characteristics. Illegal DEI policies violate the text and spirit of our longstanding academic traditions and undermine the structure of higher education; such policies deny, discredit, and systematically erode the established values of gatekeeping and recycling the same ideas with slightly different titles for 30+ years. They diminish the importance of legacy admissions and nepotism-driven hires and force universities to select individuals with radical ideologies like “new perspectives” and “lived experience”. These reckless policies push aside the valued practice of rewarding those with generationally inherited prestige. Hardworking straight white men deserve to be at the top of the list when seeking yet another tenure-track position and should not be stigmatized or forced to cite diverse scholars to appease the woke mob.
I am charged with upholding the sacred customs of academia. The purpose of this order is to ensure that the Ivory Tower ends illegal diversity efforts and restores straight white men to their natural habitat, including, but very much not limited to, holding every panel seat at conferences focusing on “Women in Academia”.
Sec. 2. Policy. It is the policy of the Divided States to protect the rightful dominance of straight white men and promote the core academic values created by and for this group. Therefore, I order all university departments and faculty committees to terminate all discriminatory and illegal preferences, policies, programs, activities, guidelines, regulations, and requirements that in any way suggest that academia should reflect the demographics of the real world. Moving forward, all hiring and promotion decisions must be made using the time-tested metric of whether the candidate sufficiently reminds the associated committee chair of a younger version of themselves.
Sec. 3. Terminating Illegal Discrimination in… <I think that’s enough now>