Empathy as a Strategic Tool for Handling Stress in Difficult Workplace Situations

If you’re being emotionally manipulated, this is your permission (and instruction manual) to be emotionally manipulative right back. (Sort of.)

Empathy is at the center of all high-level communication and conflict resolution. It’s usually presented as a soft skill that can be used to facilitate collaboration, trust, peace, and connection among individuals. It’s discussed in warm and friendly contexts, focusing on repairing relationships and mitigating damage to a company or its reputation.

That’s why I initially get a lot of pushback when I bring up empathy as the first line of defense against workplace (academic) bullies who aren’t interested in changing because the effects of their behavior are the whole point.

“Wait, you’re saying I should empathize with the guy who’s tormented grad students for 30 years and just made me his new target?!”

Yes. But not in the way you think.

Let’s talk about what empathy actually is.

Empathy is not imagining how you would feel in someone else’s shoes. That’s just projection. How you would feel/what you would do… irrelevant. It’s entirely about what that person feels and is doing. True empathy is the ability to understand how they feel in their context, with their motivations, insecurities, fears, and unmet needs. Once you have that understanding, what you do with it is up to you. No universal law states that you must use what you learn from empathizing with a person for that warm and friendly relationship-building purpose. That’s a choice you make if you want to be warm and friendly.

Empathy doesn’t have to be friendly to be effective. In toxic environments, it can be a form of emotional armor.

Empathy = emotional regulation tool (not just a people skill)

One of the most powerful ways I use empathy in my 1:1 coaching sessions with academics is not to help them be nicer or more understanding. It’s to help them regulate their emotional responses in situations they can’t control.

Academic institutions are full of power imbalances, broken systems, and people who should’ve been removed decades ago. I think we all know how much people love to tell us, “You can’t control what happens, but you can control your reaction,” without giving any indication of how to control that reaction. That’s not me. You won’t find me giving people tasks without protocols. I’m still a scientist, after all.

Not blame: Strategy.

Most people I talk with about handling workplace bullies come in with an initial goal to make the bullying stop. In an ideal world, that would be possible, but when you’re dealing with someone who’s mastered the art of punching down, a more effective (for you) primary goal isn’t to change them but to get through it with your degree (or job) and sanity intact. If you’re in that lab with the supervisor who’s been bullying trainees for 30 years, you’re not singularly capable of stopping that behavior, and there’s also (unfortunately) no guarantee that anyone higher up can or will stop it either. Your reaction is the one thing you have control over.

Just to be crystal clear… This is not me saying the bullying is your fault or that how it affects you is on you to fix. The system is broken. The culture is toxic. You shouldn’t have to learn how to defend yourself against this kind of behavior in the first place. But emotional regulation is an essential survival skill if you’re stuck in a situation and your escape plan has a 12-month runway. It’s not taking the blame; it’s taking your power back.

Empathy is a key part of the protocol because you can’t defend yourself against something you don’t understand.

If you can empathize with a bully enough that you can understand why they’re bullying, you can use that empathy as a tool to separate their actions from how those actions make you feel because understanding what it is about them that makes them act that way places the focus back on them. It helps you see that it isn’t personal and puts you in a position where you can respond directly to the intention behind the bullying and not to the behavior itself. And let me say it again… empathetic responses don't have to be friendly to be effective.

Here's an example.

You’ve got a supervisor who shouts and throws things when experiments don’t work (a real-life example, unfortunately). The explosive behavior and anger naturally make you feel defensive and afraid. When you show that defensive response and fear, the supervisor has you exactly where he wants you. If you do a little reflection from his perspective, you might realize that his underlying motivation is feeling powerful and in control. So, when his lab’s experiments aren’t working, he can’t control the data, so he tries to control your feelings to get that sense of “I’m in power” back (potentially subconsciously).

Absolutely feel the defensiveness and fear. There’s nothing wrong with that, and it’s a perfectly normal reaction. But feel it somewhere else, with your friends in the bar after work, on a run, whatever. Don’t bring it into the situation itself. Take some time to really learn how to read people and get an idea of why the bully acts the way they do, and practice reminding yourself of that reason so you’re prepared to push your immediate feelings aside in the moment.

So, in this example, when that supervisor walks in, slams something down on the desk, and starts yelling, how do you respond if not with that defensiveness or fear? Silence. Not only that but silence with eye contact. And while you’re doing this, you want to present yourself in a way that doesn’t show any defensiveness, fear, anger, or any of those negative things. You want to convey a sort of silent interest in what you’re observing. Imagine you’re at a presentation, and you’re listening intently and want the presenter to be able to see that you’re interested. That’s how you want to look at this aggressive supervisor.

It will throw him the f*** off because he’s getting a reaction that actually does give him some of that feeling of power he wants—they all like being listened to—but he’s not getting the satisfaction from upsetting you, so you keep your power, too.

If you do this enough, it might not stop the behavior. He might keep going. He might escalate. But you’ve changed the script. That defensiveness and fear in your initial reaction might disappear over time because you’ve learned how to handle the bad behavior in a way that lets you keep your control and power. You stop being the easiest person in the room to target.

Empathy helps you stop personalizing bad behavior

When you understand where someone’s toxicity is coming from, it becomes a little easier to stop internalizing it. The goal isn’t to excuse the behavior but to put it in a Not About Me box.

This is an example of how you can’t control a situation but can control your reaction. Don’t let anyone tell you this is something you should just be able to do. Emotional regulation isn’t a talent we’re born with that we either have or don’t have. It’s a learned skill that can be continuously improved. I had to learn it, so now I help others learn it, too, with practical tools that can actually be used in toxic situations where the best solution (i.e., leaving) isn’t viable.

TL;DR: Empathy as a strategy, not a virtue

You don’t owe it to your bullies to connect with them, but you can use empathy to:

• Understand what they want

• See their behavior as a pattern instead of a personal attack

• Regulate your emotions in the moment

• Disrupt their feedback loop

• Maintain your power and control

You’re not making peace with toxicity. You’re using tools to stay grounded until you can get the hell out.

Empathy can be sharp and strategic, not all warm and fuzzy, and it’s one of your best tools for staying sane in a system that wasn’t built with your well-being in mind.