Do You Want to be Right, or do you Want to be Happy?

A central component of conflict management

I can’t for the life of me remember who first asked me this question or why, but I can tell you it’s had its own zipcode in my brain ever since, and it doesn’t live there rent-free—this question pays off.

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

I’ve noticed that people tend to fall into three categories when this question is asked. One group has an immediate answer—it’s obvious one way or the other. Another group wants both and asks how they can be separated because they can’t imagine having one without the other. The final group, which I was firmly a member of until I learned how to use this question, asks how this can possibly be set up as a choice when the two concepts are entirely unrelated.

There’s no right (for want of a better word) or wrong response to the question. The important thing is recognizing what it is valuable for—conflict management.

There are many aspects underlying how conflicts arise, the main one being communication. Misunderstood, omitted, or poor communication drives almost all conflicts to a certain extent. Even conflicts resulting from a person’s actions typically have a failed communication at some point in the stages leading up to that action. Communication also goes a long way in resolving conflict—undoing what was previously mishandled and eliminating the source of the problem. But if you don’t have a clear idea of what you want the outcome of the additional communication to be, you might inadvertently apply the wrong communication and either make the conflict worse or only address the effects of it, leaving the cause waiting around in the background, ready to come back whenever a similar situation occurs in the future.

That additional communication needs to be strategic and focused, not only on the issue at hand but also on your motivations behind the choice of words, tone, and delivery. You need to know what you want your outcome to be, and often, that outcome can be determined by asking yourself that question: Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?

We’re often in environments where the ability to “be right” can feel like a survival skill. The desire to be right fuels academic discourse, and when we are right, we feel reassured that we know what we’re talking about. A little antidote to that impostor syndrome so many of us unfortunately experience. But what happens when two people with that same ability and desire to be right end up in a conflict, and neither wants to let go of it? That conflict has no resolution. These two people will communicate themselves into oblivion and still not come to an agreement at the end of it if both have opposing opinions that they need to be right about. They’ll be caught up in endless cycles of disputes that permanently strain their relationship because every conversation feels like a battle.

And here’s how being right and being happy are interconnected in conflict—holding on to that strong (and completely understandable) desire to be right can potentiate the conflict to the extent that it directly affects your happiness. You might be happy when you’re right, but if being right has you stuck in an emotionally charged cycle of negative interactions with another person, that happiness you get from being right is completely outweighed by the conflict. Even if you don’t personally care on a deep level that you have this conflict, it’s taking up space in your brain that could be redirected toward other things that bring you joy.

Think about a time you’ve been desperate to prove yourself right, even if it’s a small thing like which company your lab should order their antibodies from. Ask yourself why you wanted to be right in that situation. Did you prove yourself right? Did it make you happy? Did you waste time arguing about it in the process of proving yourself right? Did it damage your relationship with the other person? Was it worth it? Was the outcome of whatever the conflict was about substantially different from what it could have been if you had let it go?

Because what this question is truly asking is this: Do you want to prioritize your ego or your peace?

Prioritizing your peace leads to happiness. It leads to ‘being right’ in another sense, where you’re doing the right thing for yourself and for the overall connection you have with the person you’re in conflict with. It might be that you don’t want a connection with the person at all, which is absolutely fine, but if that’s the case, ask yourself why you need to be right because that desire in itself is a form of maintaining the connection. Choosing to let go and not defend yourself or your idea is how to make sure that connection is gone. And this isn’t about letting go of your values and opinions. It’s recognizing that some battles aren’t worth fighting—especially ones you won’t be able to win.

This can also apply to internal conflict. Here’s an example from my life where I had to compromise on doing what I considered the right thing for the sake of doing what was right for me:

I was working for someone who had hired me to help with a specific project, and shortly after the project started, it became clear that the lab was going to have to shut down. This left me without a job, but with an opportunity—an opportunity to take my final foot out of the academic door (that makes absolutely no sense, but you know what I mean) and use my skills for something different without feeling bad that I was abandoning a project or a person who needed my help. I was excited about this.

Of course, the person I had been working for wanted to find a way to keep their lab open, and right as I was leaving the state on my new adventure, they told me they’d figured out a way for me to have my job back if I wanted it. I didn’t want it. My immediate reaction was “f*ck, no!”, not because of any of the people I’d been working with but because I was already enjoying my academia-free life and didn’t want to give it up. But at the same time, I knew the work I would have been doing was necessary. In my mind, the right thing to do would be to stay and finish what I started, essentially accepting that it was a nice vacation while it lasted, but reality needed me back.

I have to say, I didn’t need to think much about this one, but when I asked myself, “Do I want to do the right thing, or do I want to be happy?” I found myself quite willing to let go of my idea of myself as the person who does the right thing and accept that I needed to be a little selfish and choose my happiness this time. Without that question, I might have overthought myself into going back to that job. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been bad, but I certainly wouldn’t trade my subsequent experiences and what I have now for wherever that job could’ve taken me.

In many cases, the path to happiness involves letting go of things you wish you could’ve satisfied your ego by being right about, not in winning arguments, or engaging in self-destructive selflessness.

So, next time you find yourself in a conflict and want to be right, ask yourself your motivations before you bring any additional communication into the mix. What do you want the outcome to be? How do you want to feel? Is your ego more important than your peace? Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

With this approach, you might find it easier to recognize that being right and being happy are not the same thing, nor are they entirely unrelated, and that finding a balance between how much you need to be right and how much you need peace can guide you to make choices that may not always resolve a conflict, but remove its influence from your life. Play around with the idea that you can be happy about “being wrong” because of the opportunities and mental calmness it can give you. Then, you will likely find it easier to develop strategic communication approaches that make that conflict vanish from your life and thoughts.